5 Movies This Summer You Couldn't Pay Me to See

by Julian Spivey
There are many blockbusters coming to a theatre near you this summer, but let’s face it not all of them are going to be great films, in fact a good number of them are going to suck. Now we don’t have to worry about any shitty “Transformers” (well, in a way we kinda do) or sappy “Twilight” flicks this summer, but there are a few films that you couldn’t pay me to go see. Here are my top five (OK, six):

5. “Rock of Ages” – June 15
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Now I could easily be being too harsh on “Rock of Ages,” unlike the other films on this list I might actually go see it if someone did pay me too (which isn’t happening). That would primarily be for the fact that I really like both Paul Giamatti and Alec Baldwin, who are both in the cast. The biggest reason why I won’t be going to see “Rock of Ages” is that it revolves around the music of ‘80s rock groups like Journey, Foreigner, Twisted Sister, Guns ‘N Roses and Def Leppard, which is really probably the shittiest era of music as far as rock goes. Also, I’ve never really been a big fan of Tom Cruise and he plays a prominent role in the film.

4. “Ted” – July 13

All I really would’ve needed to know to realize that I wouldn’t pay to see this movie would have been that it was written, produced, directed and title character voiced by “Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane, but then I saw the trailer and realized it could be one of the all-time bad movies. The movie features MacFarlane as the voice of a talking teddy bear, Ted, owned by Mark Wahlberg’s John, who does lewd and crude things for about an hour and a half and then the movie ends.

3. (tie) “The Expendables 2” – August 17 & “GI Joe: Retaliation” – June 29

There are three genres of movies that are almost always going to be complete tripe: horror films in general, chick flicks and macho action films. That’s the reason for the tie between “The Expendables 2” and “GI Joe: Retaliation” on this list. “GI Joe II” would be on this list simply for starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, who I sincerely doubt will ever be in a movie I’ll watch. “The Expendables 2” is certainly an action genre’s who’s who when it comes to the cast, but I don’t think I have a low enough IQ or take enough steroids to view it.  

2. “Battleship” – May 18
“Battleship” seemed like a bad idea from the beginning as it’s based off of the Hasbro board game of the same name. But, when I saw the trailer for the movie during this year’s Super Bowl I literally had a WTF moment. “Battleship” looks to be nothing more than “Transformers of the Sea.” Seriously, why does every alien these days look like a Transformer or a robot (even in good movies like last summer’s “Super 8”)?  I don’t really understand how somebody came up with the idea to mix aliens and board games, but I’m certainly not interested. I expect this film to rack up the Razzie nominations for next year.

1. “Piranha 3DD” – June 1

 
Despite looking like the kinda of crap you’d expect from a straight to DVD release, “Piranha 3DD” will be sure to get a ton of moviegoers when it’s released this summer because it features two things that Americans love: gore and tits. Now, I know that films like “Piranha 3DD” are supposed to be campy and not taken seriously, but why would I want to waste my time and more importantly my money on something like that?