Baby Charlie Chaplin 'Collateral Damage' in Hunt for Baby Hitler

by Julian Spivey
Something peculiar happened on Wednesday, Nov. 11. Victor Franzen was watching “Modern Times” on Turner Classic Movies from his home in Austin, Texas and all of a sudden his television went black. His service returned 10 minutes later, but “Modern Times” did not – instead it was replaced by Buster Keaton’s 1927 silent film classic “The General.” The same thing happened to Wanda Harris in Orlando, Fla. and to George Kannapolis in Montpelier, Vt. and Josh Jenson in Tacoma, Wash. They were enjoying the Charlie Chaplin classic and all of a sudden “poof” and minutes later Keaton took The Tramp’s place.
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What’s even stranger is Michael Petty’s vast collection of classic films on DVD is all of a sudden three movies less than it was the day before. Missing are “City Lights,” “The Gold Rush” and “The Great Dictator” – three of Chaplin’s finest pieces of work.

A simple Google search for ‘Charlie Chaplin’ online reveals nothing – it seems Charles Spencer Chaplin never actually existed. Or at least he never amounted to much of anything.

The 2015 fight for the Republican presidential nomination has been a weird one, especially with a billionaire reality television show host and a famed neurosurgeon turned professional autobiographer leading the way. Among the extremely strange aspects of the political season has been the phenomenon over what the candidates would do if they could go back in time to late 1889 or early 1890 to when a baby Adolf Hitler was rolling around in his crib. Would the candidates kill Baby Hitler to save a future World War II and attempted extermination of an entire group of people? Killing Baby Hitler could potentially save numerous lives, but it would also mean murdering an infant that could have turned out to be something entirely different.
It’s a conundrum. Or at least it should be, but the Republican candidates have seemingly all made the decision to murder Baby Hitler. Jeb Bush was even incredibly gleeful in his answer, “Hell Yeah,” he’d kill Baby Hitler, which makes one wonder if the candidate actually gets off on infanticide. Ben Carson, one of the GOP front-runners, didn’t outright say whether or not he would kill Baby Hitler, but he did say he wouldn’t abort Baby Hitler – after all fetuses are incredibly more important than actual born babies.

The fourth Republican debate was on Tuesday night and apparently there was a secret mission after the debate finished airing on the Fox Business Channel. The CIA, according to an anonymous source fearing for his life, ran an operation code named “Kill Baby Hitler” and sought out the over-enthusiastic Bush to do so. The plan would be rather simple – use the CIA’s high tech time machine that some have previously argued its existence, travel back to 1889 Austria and eliminate Baby Hitler. The method for killing Baby Hitler would be up to Bush, but the CIA gave three options: smothering with pillow, lethal injection cocktail or AK-47. Being a Republican candidate, and not wanting to leave a chance of survival for Baby Hitler, Bush obviously decided on the AK-47.

The date set for the time machine was April 20, 1889. The place was set for Austria. It was little Adolf Hitler’s birthday and Jeb Bush had his orders and was ready to pull the trigger. Killing Baby Hitler would make him an American hero and front-runner for the presidency upon his return. Everybody would quickly forget about the issues that both his father and brother faced during their presidencies, as well.

Bush entered the time machine. And within moments was transported back in time 126 years. The CIA’s technology was so good that he arrived right on the Hitler’s doorstep. He entered the home, found Baby Hitler fast asleep in his crib and unleashed a furious hell upon the napping infant’s body with his assault weapon. In a matter of seconds there was nothing left. Bush rushed back to the time machine and entered a date for 2015. Had he been a Clinton he probably would’ve entered his inauguration date in 2017, but alas he’s a Bush and doesn’t have the brain capacity for such thoughts.

The time machine returned to the exact location of the Republican debate in Milwaukee, Wis. Bush jumped out of the time machine with a gigantic smile upon his face and yelled, “Hell Yeah, that was awesome. Let’s Kill Baby Osama next!”

It wasn’t long before the CIA notified Bush that his mission, like every other Bush mission before it, had failed. The time machine malfunctioned, as things operated by American agencies are wont to do, and instead of April 20, 1889 Austria the machine had actually landed four days prior to Hitler’s birth on April 16, 1889 in London. Bush had instead landed on the doorstep of the Chaplin family – and blew away the infant body of what would become the greatest movie comedy actor the world had ever seen.

Baby Chaplin was merely collateral damage in the hunt for Baby Hitler, the CIA would try again – Donald Trump was the next to be approached on their list.

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