Haunted Mansion

This piece was written during the 2023 WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes. Without the labor of the writers and actors currently on strike, the films being covered here wouldn't exist.

by Philip Price

Photo: Disney

Director: Justin Simien
Starring: LaKeith Stanfield, Tiffany Haddish & Owen Wilson
Rated: PG-13 (scary action)
Runtime: 2 hours & 5 minutes

It's kind of wild that less than a decade ago director Justin Simien made "Dear White People," a searing and sometimes absurd satire of college life set around systematic racism that dealt in both grounded and nuanced commentary and somehow that same guy is now making a theme park movie. I don't begrudge anyone a paycheck job, but everything about this feels kind of ... pointless?

In a sense, basically the complete opposite of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem,” which could have felt equally tired, but instead feels inspired due to its execution rather than unnecessary due to its reliance on familiarity. Worse, I have no familiarity with or nostalgia for the theme park ride or the Eddie Murphy version (I’ve never seen it) and still found this to be a rather unimaginative slog.

All this to say, I would love to have seen an original film Simien might have written for LaKeith Stanfield and Tiffany Haddish with supporting turns from Rosario Dawson, Danny DeVito and Owen Wilson (whose casting is admittedly inspired), but if your only opportunity with this cast is a remake of a movie based on a park ride then at least find what about that idea inspires you before signing on only to turn on autopilot.

It somewhat felt as if there might have been something akin to inspiration or at least re-creating that comforting yet creepy Halloween spirit that remains reassuring no matter how old you get in the opening moments prior to the title card as the New Orleans setting and complimentary Kris Bowers score made for something that might have its own flavor rooted in this logical setting, but once the plot itself kicks in the pacing unspools completely. Despite the dire circumstances, there is no sense of urgency to any of the situations or within any of the characters. What should feel immediate instead feels, simply, inconsequential.

As we lurch into the second full hour there is no need to even pretend one might fully grasp what is going on or why Stanfield, DeVito and Wilson are going on another excursion together as the countless diversions from the titular mansion feel more like diversions from the fact the premise of the ride has little to offer and therefore, we are taken elsewhere so that Winona Ryder and Dan Levy can show up for no reason.

To counter, there are some interesting shot selections in one of the hallway sequences early on that look as if they were shot with longer lenses so as to feel more immersive, but when the secret of that hallway is later revealed this style isn't recalled. In fact, this is the only time in the movie this visual style is utilized therefore making it feel more out of place than intentional. Another neat technique used to illustrate where these somewhat hazy, mostly transparent ghosts are in the frame and how they're moving is a single shot panning across multiple picture frames and portraits with the apparition moving from one to the next becoming a part of the picture or painting, but these moments of (divine?) inspiration are too few and far between to register or validate the existence of this product.

Speaking of products, the fact that will live on longest about this “Haunted Mansion” is how unabashedly it slips in brand names and product placements (including the whole of whatever/whoever Jared Leto is at this point) should tell one all they need to know.